My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
