just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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