I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize