no, he came in my armpit
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
