Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
