my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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