She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
