I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
