Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
