Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize