ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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