it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
