turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
