so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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