If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my sisters under your porch take her home
My balls are so social today.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize