When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
