My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
