Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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