I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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