I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
