We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
