What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
