so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
