Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
