Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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