life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
