I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
