You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
