I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
