Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
