I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
