Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
