I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
