we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize