Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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