I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
