Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Randomize
