it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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