Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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