Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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