what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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