I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
