All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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