tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
