My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
