I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
