i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
