where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Come share oat with me in your robe
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
