hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
