the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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