I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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