I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
