At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
