so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
