My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
