you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
