Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
