So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
