It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
